Why it really does get better.

I was about thirteen when I realized I was in deep shit.

In small-town Germany, I always used to be the weird kid, the kid that didn't fit in, no matter how hard she tried, the kid that was different. And back then I hadn't even figured out that I was gay (or bi or whatever you want to call it) yet. The rest of the story you probably know and that's really not what this is about. This isn't about all those times you couldn't get out of school fast enough, or hoped you'd survive another ride home on the school bus, or learned the Importance of Running Really Fast, because you'll have to get the hell of here or they'll kill you next time. This also isn't about you the times when you thought that maybe it'd be better if they did, or the times when you thought how it'd be to just go ahead and do it yourself. Because that'd be when they'd win.

No. What this is about is when you're the one who wins. This is about the part when it does get better and why.

Now, my personal experience is that Getting The Fuck Out has really worked for me, in a way. Things definitely got a lot better when I moved from smalltown Germany to Bigtown Frankfurt, where I went to university, and even more importantly lived with a bunch of very diverse room mates in this totally run-down hole-in-a-wall dorm in the Frankfurt Westend. Yes, it definitely helped that some of them were gay or simply didn't give a shit who you hang out with or brought back to your room (whether or not you REALLY need to relay ALL the details of your sexual conquests to the rest of your room mates in the kitchen later is up for debate - yes, Gerald, I'm talking to YOU - but whatever). The bottom line: things will definitely go a whole lot better for you in big cities, yes.

But what if you can't get our? Or, what if you got yourself smack into the middle of Jesusland America, full of the religious crazies and you're wondering how the hell THAT happened and if you really haven't learned anything in all those years of wanting to get out of all of this.

Well here's a simple truth for you - you'll find intolerant people anywhere, but you'll also find lots of awesome people where you'd least expect them to be.

In my case, I probably have more queer friends (and more of the straight-but-not-narrow sort) here in Utah of all states than I ever had back in Germany. Sure, sometimes just about everything about living here pisses me off and I still want to get back to a bigger city, but all in all, I've also found a lot of amazing people, people who understand me, people who want to be different - queer or not - around here and it's great.

Sure, there still are those days when I wonder what the fuck I'm doing here and if all of this isn't a giant waste of time. There are those days when I feel like nobody is possibly ever going to want to read those LGBT-themed books that I write. That it's all insignificant drivel. Or when I worry about what will happen once I've actually finished school and become a teacher here, a teacher who's going to be openly bi, a teacher who hopes she'll actually be able to help some of those students who are stuck in that time where it seems like things just aren't going to get any better, ever.

Some days, living here does indeed feel like running against a wall.

But then again there are those days when life just rocks or my mother tells me "Look how far you have come. You'd never have gotten this far, if you hadn't decided to go your own way. You're doing great and I'm proud of you." Those moments somehow make it all seem worth it.

So really, when it comes down to it, this is about three things.

One is don't let them win. Get out if you have to. Take that leap of faith. It'll be worth it.

Two is that you're not the only one out there. Even if it seems that way sometimes, you'll also find awesome people where you'd least expect them.

And three is what's probably most important: It's going to be okay. It'll get better and really being different is what ultimately makes you awesome.

P.S.: On that note, I just want to plug two absolutely wonderful books that have been very inspiring to me, especially over the last year. Carol Lynn Pearson's account of her life and lifelong love and friendship with her gay husband GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU and NO MORE GOODBYES. Both of those books are very Utah-specific in a way, but I think they go beyond that as Pearson gives a very personal account of the struggle people of the LGBT community still face and ultimately what tolerance really means. Go check them out :)

Also, if you haven't checked out Dan Savage's It Gets Better Project channel on youtube, go and do that RIGHT NOW.

Oh and yes, living proof for my flag-waver-dom: 17-year-old me wrapped in a rainbow flag :)